Friday Ramblings: The One About.. The Invisible Client, The Frozen Pipe, School Choices, and Uncle I need help?

                  The Invisible Client

What can I say about the Invisible Client? A presentation was given on behalf ESE & SEGYE and I was told no convincing was needed because                                                                              “We want to work with your company, you don’t need to convince us”.
I have received calls and text messages with assurances that the client wants to work with ESE & SEGYE but there were some abrupt changes in management. What can I say, when management is leadership in government? This meeting pending will dictate if I have to call my uncle below like a looser…

                                       

                                           The Frozen Pipe

It was very cold this week, like it was 3-5 degrees and my pipes were completely frozen. No water to wash or make tea because everything was frozen. I found myself having a moment with my phobias. I must have used every profane word and swore to God in every language currently stored in my brain.

My phobia for dirt and OMG…..Do not judge me, the first decade of my life was in missionary school that was topped with attending a German school. You are beaten to cleanliness and dirt or filth just makes me want to screammmmmmmmmmm.

CRYING

I found myself wanting to cry AND cry. My father told me a longtime ago, I cried more than any of his kids as a child. Oh those words  became so true...
I do not cry and stop like normal regular people. It is long and gross, and I have things in my nose and no one can understand me. Yet, I will be asked 1 million times, “Fatimaah, why are you crying?”. Or I have a mate of mine that says, “Fati are you crying?” … No mate, I am bloody laughing, just why can you not see the joy in my face.

CRYING

I am particular about my space because of survival, fear and some people just lack hygiene. This is not about my anal views to hygiene, some people even if washed in bleach, would still come back gross.  The explanation below is why I have trust issues.

I open the shower door and there is a tray with utensils and clean plates. She washes her dishes in the same place that she showers and does the number one and two. What in the complete (Fill in the blanks). I sprayed Rose Water on my body (Antibacterial properties) and then Coconut Oil (Antibacterial)…  

That was every version of nasty and ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I cried just a little, my friend from the states just started laughing on the phone hysterically. My father told me, at the very least, I never ate from her house.

I laughed hard and my friend asks, “But for real, you okay?” We are quiet because we both knew the backdrop to that question is heavy, but we start laughing again. My pipes were fixed later that day.

I am grateful for a friend that knows just why I have such phobias and for laughter. All parts of travel are not romantic, and SHIT happens.

So because of the weather and stress my inflamed joints made the week uncomfortable. My short leg, I would like to start saying my “Special leg”. My special leg that was deprived of length was not so much hurting, it was just throbbing. Oh and my left arm was hurting and in the morning, I woke up and scared me. It was like the cracking sounds sounded really bad, like damn I need to wake up slowly.
To be honest, I have not had ginger and turmeric for the last three weeks. This is also why I am in discomfort as well, but I could barely type. It was a bit frustrating and hard but I have to persevere.

School Choices

Europe
1. The Graduate Institute of International and Development Studies (Switzerland)
2. American Graduate School in Paris (France)
3. Central University (Hungary) My father has some strong reservations about this school for the same reason I am interested. Just google, you can figure out why. All that aside, AMAZING IR program

UK
1. Nottingham University
2. Goldsmiths-University of London
3. University of Aberdeen (Scotland)
4. Durham University
5. Queen University Belfast (Ireland

Uncle I need help...

My uncle is a man of little words, he is military and well this was the advice he gave me as a teenager. 

  "Masses of crowds are masses of asses"

See a man of little words and while I am sure I can ask him for help... My uncle's presence is like this scene ......

BUT I AM HERE IN MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT

I have 14 days to pick up and tell him I have the phobia below and I need help.

See you next Friday Rambling

Friday Ramblings: The One About Leaving Korea, Shareese Said and PhD?

.....LEAVING SOUTH KOREA

“Me: I feel like a $%^#n looser
Daniel: No, No, No, U are not a looser!! You not a $%^#n looser!!.
We worry as people because we want to accomplish SHIT!
You got options!!
You never give yourself credit
Me: Yeah sure”

— Met Daniel in 2008

I must leave my flat in February and if I do not have a place to stay... #Toughshit. I am still processing this piece and I am a range of every emotion. 

WHAT I AM EXPECTED TO SAY

SHAREESE SAID

Shareeseeee, as I refer to her is the best thing that happened to me at my old job. She is beyond wise and is from Maryland!!! I stayed in Maryland for three years as a teenager.

I called Shareese and told her, I have no idea on the next move. She tells me with this voice of authority, WHAT IS THE PLAN?? She has stressed throughout this journey, giving up is not an option. 

In my last job, we made up the “I don’t want to hear problems but solutions team”. She is a brilliant Applied Public Health Professional that I can see move waves in the CDC.

I confide to her that I am feeling quite $#c*& up but I am grateful though. We have very frank conversations about very raw painful realities and truths yet it always ends with “I am grateful, I am lucky though because…”

She says sternly....

The year is over, and it is not February. Your landlord is giving you all the way till February, you are getting help. I tell her yes, I am grateful…Why you worried she asked?

I swear this chic has balls. I am in SOUTH KOREA, MY COMPANY IS NOT PICKING UP, I AM NOT AWARE OF MY LEFT OR RIGHT…SHE SAYS….

“Okay still, why you worried? What is the plan?” …

I shared with her the strangeness that seems to follow me in Kimchi Land. Girls look at me up, down, sideways and this thing of rolling their eyes to the top of their head.

What do I wear? An African print & some western top. I wear blue tennis shoes, most of the time no makeup, my face is always shiny, and I smell like Frankincense and Myrrh. I have a shiny face because I use a coffee oil mix.  

Who gets threatened by that I ask her loudly? I tell her the many ways I can make oatmeal and I do not have money. I tell her, I am completely raw and no pretending here. I will tell you with no pretending

“I %$!k#d up here
They had me %$!k#d there
….And the beat goes on…”

— Unfliter truths

I am considered a threat and apparently, I am pretty. My primary and secondary education was german and religious. I cannot stress just how words like "pretty or beautiful" did not exisit. In fact it was insulting to be just "pretty" or just "beautiful". I also never heard such adjectives from my legal guardians growing up, so it is just kind of a strange adjective to use around me. I mean you kind of aimed for  “You are quite brilliant with your studies".  or You are rather stupid, just like that! 

She says, "Your presence, you are beautiful and smart. As soon as you walk in, you command the room but you know who you are and that is a threat”. 

I think, I am just a giraffe, elephant, and octopus... WHO HAS A COMPLEX OVER THAT?

I told her the marriage life is looking nice from here. She says, “We married folk looking at you like…That’s really great, you living your best life…” Shareese is married but has a life. I know that sentence is simple and short but I honestly do not know anyone married with her attitude and sense of awareness.

We also share similar childhoods (nothing great about that) but we told ourselves, we will not be Neffee. Everyone with our past is just one step away from this and I do mean just a step.

I am grateful for her, OMG SHE GOT ME A STARBUCKS CARD and her Netflix account. In the words of Dru Hill some young men from Baltimore, Maryland

PHD???

This is also on the table and will require a move to the E.U. I will see.....

See you next Friday Ramblings.

Friday Ramblings: The One About "Gratefulness, Unexpected and Failure"

Rambling is defined by Webster as:

·      passing from one topic to another

·      using or containing more words than necessary to express an idea

Reality is defined by Webster as:

·      the quality or state of being real

·      a real event, entity, or state of affairs

·      totality of real things and events

·      something that is neither derivative nor dependent but exists necessarily

-Isms are just my own colloquialisms .

“I am on a rollercoaster just going up, down, sideways and upsidedown. I am going to puke quite soon ”

— Who the hell asked you to come to the theme park though?

I cannot stress just how crazy this week was, but I can tell you the order was: Late Nights, WTF Facebook Follows, Unexpected, Gratefulness and Failure. It was not in that order but shit it might as well be…

#Fuckyducky

The Failure Part

I am not sure how to say this, but I do feel like a failure. I also found myself slipping into self-destructive mood. 

“You know, I do not drink or smoke. But shit when I hit that “SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BUTTON” … You would ask, WTF are you drinking, taking, or smoking???”

— All me and All truth

“Sober as a Judge but never Drunk as a Lord...”

— Grew up in a former British Space, I really speak like this in real life

I am not able to raise the money needed to get my business visa to set up the business. I tried so hard, but just not fast or hard enough. I should be doing better than this, I am not moving fast enough. I am a tortoise on a path with cheetahs passing me by.

(Lane Posters)

The Gratefulness Part 

Getting someone to recommend me to do a PSA that got me some dead presidents in my wallet? Our interaction was just once at mixer for people with no capital trying to do business in Korea. Well it is true, first impressions matter.

I am beyond grateful
 

My local barrister celebrated his birthday, but saved a cake for me. I was surprised and touched, I mean it is his birthday not “our birthday”.  Despite not speaking English and my no existent Korean, he is always kind to me. I have never walked into this café without them beating me to say 안녕하세요! (Hello, Annyong). I always make sure to say (Goodnight Guys, Thanks for Everything).

I am grateful for consideration from new friends and warm smiles.

Remember last Friday, I was not sure about rent. I was able to secure funds for rent.
I am beyond grateful

I ate fresh food for two days….
MY SOUL MADE OF FRUITS, VEGGIES AND APPLECIDER VINEGAR IS GRATEFUL.

Getting my portraits emailed to me by a gentleman that has photographed four Korean Presidents. I was so beyond humbled and grateful. Tiny me compared to giants.

Grateful Tortoise among Cheetahs
 

Beyond Grateful

My childhood mate donating to my gofundme page. She stays in Los Angeles, I am grateful for 2 cents. That place is so expensive, I think it is because they just want people to run into traffic. Anytime we are asked, how long have you known each other? We just start laughing uncontrollably. We always tell people, we have kicked it from the womb… you cannot go back than that!

I AM GRATEFUL

The Unexpected Part

Did I mention my childhood friend from L.A donating?

“ L.A ain’t cheap bruh….”

— Said Everyone in Los Angeles

I was told something unexpected, I was told that as a child “You were so bubbly and happy”. It was unexpected because to be honest this person meant well. I know their heart meant well. I was few seconds from breaking down. It means that I have practiced the art of pretending the pain from a very seriously fucked up first 10 years of life to an art. In my darkest moments, I receive the most compliments. I often think everyone must see I am cracking but Nah… “Fatimaah you are amazing, how did you……”

I am grateful because it means that even as a kid, I was just fighting you know??

 

Uncle Bob once said …. (You may not mention Mr. Dylan)

The Jollof Empire

My Jellof Rice friend that seems to insist that I am going to be fine because shit, his Wolof and he said so!!!   I love Wolof people you hear me? I mean my love is outside of the Jellof rice. I swear it is, they come close to my Zulu people that I love today, tomorrow, yesterday, and forever..

Greatful to Jollof Rice and Origins

Speaking of a Jamaican

I am sure my soul and uncle Bob’s people are forever intertwined. I do not know how this works in my life, however I know this to be true as love.

I have never had a difficult chapter in life without Jamaicans and neighboring islands as my safety net. I really believe that the struggles of blackness in America was not so hard on me because Uncle Bob and Family have always been there for me. I saw that African-Americans from the States would get punches, but those guys just came in no matter the space (North America, Europe, or Asia), like

““You are okay, eye ear you”.”

— Rasta Man

They took some of those hits of leftover colonialism for me and so my tears became laughs that made my belly hurt. The Jamaican brother, I met that schooled me on other options with this business.

Uncle Bob did tell me to be a Buffalo Soldier

Stream/Download Legends (Deluxe edition) here: https://BobMarley.lnk.to/LegendDEID Music video by Bob Marley & The Wailers performing Buffalo Soldier. (C) 2003 Universal-Island Records Ltd.

Grateful for Uncle Bob, his children and neighbors. 

THE WTF FACEBOOK FOLLOWER

I was told time was a great healer this week after I expressed my shock state of seeing this name on my laptop screen.

Time might be a great healer for you! The other person might still see you and think, BULLSHIT!
Nothing Personal….
 

I was in a state of shock because our last interaction was just BAD. I mean all versions of terrible.

This was a “friend” to my maternal family, and her interactions with everyone has always followed with the words “crazy, madness and my personal best I just don’t understand” ….

The younger me would have sent a message like:

““I see you are following me, please don’t and Oh if I forgot to mention... You are a very horrible person and should %^&K off. Have a great day”.”

— This was before I met Black Jesus, Buddah, Mohammed and Krishna, What is tuly up my hommies?

I think people  can be so rude you know? You must always tell others to have a great day.

“. Manners, Where are your manners??”

I did not send such a message. I imagined just how strange/brave/everything that says this shit is not comfortable it must have been for her to click that button. I wish her well, peace and great moments of joy in life.

…..STILL WTF FACEBOOK FOLLOWER, I  AM GRATEFUL  

   ... I AM THE FOLLOWING LIFE BELOW       

I am/must be graceful as the giraffe 

Diplomatic as the Elephant

Deadly as the Blue Octopus, I learned and still am learning this stage of me. 

This is my shadow, you must know of my heritage to understand the connection of the Elephant & Mermaid. 

Sometimes or maybe all the time

This is because of the box below

So because of this, I often wonder......

But that is beauty in not having all YOUR SHIT TOGETHER...

Amazing requires Courage....

LATE NIGHTS & COFFEE
 

Until next Friday Ramblings, Cheers to the bloody weekend!

Friday Ramblings: The One About the Lost, Found and Cared for………

Rambling is defined by Webster as:

·      passing from one topic to another

·      using or containing more words than necessary to express an idea

Reality is defined by Webster as:

·      the quality or state of being real

·      a real event, entity, or state of affairs

·      totality of real things and events

·      something that is neither derivative nor dependent but exists necessarily

-Isms are just my own colloquialisms .

This is me fellow Jupiterian from cell to this form. I am aware that there is no life in Jupiter for those that do not see. However this is not my problem. 

Lost

I lost my debit card, oh that sucked so bad.  I was lucky enough that it was mailed to me from the states. My very good mate sent me some cash to eat something because I had no cash. Arrrrrgggggh... I  had maybe $2 in cash so yeah It was just honestly depressing. 

I thought, I was lost finding on an out, but I might have a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong shot in getting something towards the right direction.  

So fingers crossed.....

....BUT WHAT IF I FAIL, I DON'T KNOW HOW I MADE IT THIS FAR...

SUGAR HONEY ICE TEA.....

“Rent Money - Nope
Research Money for Bugs- Nope
Food Money- I mean like Bread and Coffee.... SHIT I AM HUNGRY FOR MY COMPANY”

— Water & Cassava

“...SHIT....No Rent Money, No Food but company recognition.... Sure, I got this...

I CANNOT BE HOMELESS IN KOREA.... Are there any social programs for Americans that are two seconds from having their asses dished out to them!! #KimchiDiplomacy
”

— Water & Cassava

Found

So funny enough this week, I got lots of positive messages from so many different outlets on the importance of staying and moving forward. My article on Libya was popular on Linkedin. I wish you could find fear and toss it to an ocean, in my case...The Pacific Ocean.

My old classmate told me of some funding from Queen Mary,  I will try my luck

“For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge from me to you:
I have sarcrificed so much..
I don’t have a place to go back to
I don’t have anything to fall back on...
..... I am honestly every version of that acronym(NO THAT’S NOT WHAT THE WORD MEANS... BUT JUST LET ME BE GREAT)”

— Water & Cassava

Cared for……

KIMCHI 아줌마 (AJUMMA)

So, there are three ladies at the grocery store across from me. We speak kimchi, no English or Korean here. I am grateful for just how they make sure I get my Kimchi and encourage me to try different Kimchi. They always smile and look forward to interacting with me. I am grateful because I worked retail and after the sale, no one needs to be that kind.

THE BOYS, PASTA & KORCAINE

“Respect Word Play....”

These young guys cook real Italian. They enjoy traveling and use to stay in Australia. They are always so warm and kind to me. They always give extra something or a deep discount.  I am grateful that they always make sure to interact and laugh with me.

“Man may survive on Coffee alone”

— Every Coffee Lover

The Coffee Market

 I will take another picture later, it is pouring....

The Coffee Market is a café by my area that I use as my office. The staff always greets me as soon as I walk in. I am grateful because now I can order coffee and drinks in Korean.

Arthritis

I was diagnosed at 16 with juvenile arthritis. So far, I would like to say ... I am kicking that ass. However, during colder days or when I am very stressed... I am in pain… that shit hurts. 

Some mornings depending on my stress levels or the weather, I must stay in the shower just a bit longer with hot water on my poor hip bone and short leg. 

“.......A SHORT LEG?? LIKE YOUR LEGS ARE ......”

— Yes one leg is longer than the other

So those that know me well, will tell you one leg is longer than the other leg. The shorter leg and that hip bone can be so painful (Water Therapy one day!!). 

My father and my pediatrician told me that everyone has one extremity longer than the other. I think they were trying to make me feel better.

…..Eeeeemmmm,  I mean one leg is shorter than the other. You can not spin that mennnnn.
My pediatrician was really unique in her own way, I mean she just really had this way of making me understand my body was mine and I needed to take good care of it. She would ask about my grades, school and everything. I will speak of her more often on Public Health Wednesdays. 

“Do you know my siblings and my dad made fun of my short leg?
I mean it was not funny.... Actually it was funny…. I always start laughing when it comes up... ”

— You gotta laugh it away

My way of dealing with this from teen to now:

Fresh Foods (I DO NOT EAT JUNK or MAMMALS)

No smoking or drinking.

In the states, my routiine included:

Gym

Weights

Sauna  

Steam room

Whole Foods and The Farmer's Market 

Here in Seoul, I walk at minimum 5 miles a week to 15 miles a week. I drink at least 1.5 liters of water everyday or every other. 

I hate the words, I suffer from (disease/illness). It is such a terrible thing to say to someone. We LIVE with....   

“I also worked in Public Health for close to a decade, I am very particular on ILLNESS. WELLNESS is all that matters.... I in llness means I... but WE in llness MEANS we are in this together. ”

— I bring that BBC, PBS, MTV to Public Health Engagement

So

I live with Arthritis, and I sleep on the floor because it is heated. I am grateful for heated floors

I hope so....See you next Friday Ramblings

Friday Ramblings- The One About Uncertainty

Rambling is defined by Webster as:

·      passing from one topic to another

·      using or containing more words than necessary to express an idea

Reality is defined by Webster as:

·      the quality or state of being real

·      a real event, entity, or state of affairs

·      totality of real things and events

·      something that is neither derivative nor dependent but exists necessarily

-Isms are just my own colloquialisms .

What did you miss so far?

On the Stage

Introducing the Audience to: African Gastrodiplomacy and Soft Power

In many ways that I say “YESSSSSSSSSSSSS”....I feel so unaccomplished like NADA. I arrived here the last week of April and this makes me 6 months old in the city of Seoul. I am like a 6-month-old unable to communicate verbally, I still do not speak Korean. Yet with a strange WTF form of assimilation, I understand the following Korean:

Coffee Shop Korean
Grocery Store Korean
Cab Driver Korean

I would not know how to tell you how I got here. I HONESTLY do not know. I think not knowing but understanding that I have nothing to fall towards drives me and honestly scares me to pieces. I was told that I looked so good, few days back and I thought to myself

“I AM NOT TO SURE HOW YOU SAY THAT, I AM BARELY SURVIVING HERE. I DO NOT NETWORK QUICK AND FAST ENOUGH. I CAN’T HANG OUT BECAUSE WELL I HAVE NO MONEY. ALL I HAVE ARE MY DREAMS.… DREAMS DO NOT PAY RENT”

— Person behind Water & Cassava

THE CASE OF $%^K BOYS....

I have dealt with so called men that are made not of heart, drive and soul but of misogyny and chauvinism. I was told by a #$%* boy that I should get married and have children. My husband would take care of me and I guess my degrees and professional background would just collect dust. However, after trying to oppress me, he wanted me to hear about the oppression “his people” are currently facing. 

He shared why I could not make in Korea in this order:-

I am not married to a Korean
I do not have a Korean boyfriend

“I DID NOT LEAVE THIS GREAT LAND”

— So I was born in Texas...

“OR THIS LAND THAT BIRTH THIS BLUE BOOK”

— Made of Corn Bread, Blue Corn and Beans

For a penis
 

“What does it say about the value of a woman in your society, if just their p&#$ is of value. I hope you did not think that was a bit harsh.. After all this guy here said.....”

— Water & Cassava

Anyway…..

The Better Together 2017 Event

I really cannot stress how moved I felt that I was invited. I spoke about Africa soft power within the context of Gastrodiplomacy. I was put in a hotel room!!!! How could this be?? ME????? I met some good people like set your soul on fire good. I have one more event coming up and I will be done for this year. I will post that on ESE & SEGYE this Sunday.

I get scared so many times because again, I left a job for uncertainty …..I really believe this could work, I mean really work you know?

The Korea Peninsula & Me

What can I say?. Honestly, I am more scared of Washington, D.C than the major players over here. I feel safer here than I do in the states, I know that makes no sense to someone not over here or invested in Asian affairs. I love Asia like people hold on to the idea that Jesus was not a colored man killed while unarmed. I am on a roll so just keep reading…

Beauty & Uncertainty

I am not to sure why some men think complimenting my or any woman’s aesthetics is the way to go. It makes me want to punch someone in the face…. I am not impressed by your aesthetics, I never asked you to be pleased or even compliment mine.  I do not say, “Oh you are so handsome and tall”. I am here for business, I do not care if you are handsome or tall.
 

Okay, I compliment tall people, everywhere I go. This is because I am tall, and I am awesome. I am 5ft 11inches and I feel my fellow tall people should see each other and acknowledge our height. I am also aware that there is a chance, I have a reverse napoleon complex. I just personally always saw myself as a giraffe. I was always complimented as a child on just how my neck was like a giraffe. I wanted to grow up just like giraffe!

While people might think giraffes are gentle giants, which they are so gentle and beautiful. Please understand a giraffe will kill you or any mammal with one kick. I grew up in Africa, what in the hell did you want me to be? Barbie????

Survival & Uncertainty

I do not know how I eat, pay rent and just live. Ahh to be fair, I really live on coffee and a bagel. I love Coffee, I do not understand the logic of people that believe Coffee can not be food. 

High in antioxidants and just makes the whole world better!

I am so scared of failure and just everything in between and sideways of my journey right now. I believe in #cassavadiplomacy with my heart and soul and I just know this could work!!

Shit I need to figure out rent and…….

See you next Friday Ramblings…..